Sometimes I just want to lose it. Let "IT" hatch.
I feel it coming, like a dreaded black cloud fogging my senses... and I know it will be there, that insane, desperate and anguished, lunatic fit, full of uncontrolled half-sobs when you want to throw everything around, but your mind and body are so tired your arms feel and look laxed and heavy; a Connie-Corleone-kind-of-loosing-it, when Carlo isn't staying for the meal he had her prepare. Yeah! YEAHHHH! LIKE THAT!
It takes too much to take me there, though. I mean, I don't even know how much, because I actually have never done it, but I have come very close.
This one was one of those mornings. I got up early, had two loads of laundry on their way even before I took a shower. Then, time started to go by freakishly fast. Still, I ignored it, because I definitely had to spend 5 extra minutes to go over the basics of teeth brushing with my 12 year old son, so we did not risk his going to school with the sepulchre breath he'd had this weekend.
By the time I was back from dropping him off, I had a full set sinus headache. I've had it for about 3 days, and it's just unbearable. I ate something, and decided to take a medicine to relief the sinus pain, pressure and allergy-like symptoms.
The moment is still playing in slow motion in my mind... with my nose dripping, my eyes clouded from non-stopping tears, throbbing, harmful pain in my forehead and face... and the stupid peel back/push through medicine packet starts to get the best of me.
HOW TO GRAB THE DARN @$*#&% CORNER? Yes, I know, there, where the arrow is. But it's not loose, not a bit. I'll try, even if I have short nails. 76 times I pick it with my finger. It does not separate from the foil. I try to tear it. Too hard. Blow nose. Dry tears. Rub forehead. Pick corner again. Pick, pick, pick. Grunt. Stump. Try to push through without peeling. Too hard. Pick, pick, pick. Cry. Rub forehead. Scissors... where are the scissors? Cut. Not close enough to the air bubble. "WHY!!!???", I shout... then softly, sad whisper..."why?". Rub forehead. Cut. Cut. Push, push, push. GOT IT! YESSS!!! YESSS! I GOT IT, just push a bit more... dropped to the floor.
I don't care, I go to the floor, pick it up with all my body going to my sinuses. Stand up, dizzy from the pressure... the room is spinning, the pill is dropped again. It goes under the stove.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
My scream awakes my neighbor's peacock (yes, they have a peacock) and starts its noise/voice calling: aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa!.
Next pill of the packet. Pick, pick, pick. Grunt. Stump. aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!. Try to push through without peeling. Too hard. Pick, pick, pick. Cry. Rub forehead. Scissors. Cut. Cut. Cut. aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!. Dry tears. Blow nose. Run to table, pill to fall there. Push through, yes! Pill in mouth. Glass of water...
It is empty...
Connie Corleone
looses
it.
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